


Derealisation

by Future_Scxrs



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Crossdressing Iceland, F/M, Platonic Norway/Iceland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 09:25:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14931599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Future_Scxrs/pseuds/Future_Scxrs
Summary: Having to deal with work, taking care of her brother alone, taxes, her boyfriend's death and abusive flashbacks, Lovisa finds herself falling into a pit of derealisation.





	Derealisation

“Are you even listening to me?” Emil’s quiet voice was enough to break Lovisa out of her trance. Lately, she had been finding it very hard to really listen, and keeping a part of a conversation seemed almost impossible. To top all that off, emotions seemed so distant, every laugh and smile was more forced, sometimes she couldn’t even manage that. In all honesty, she was very surprised that her little brother hadn’t completely given up on her.

 

“Oh, yes, sorry, could you maybe repeat it though?” She looked properly at the teenager, his hair a mess, tear stains marked his cheeks and he was holding a broken version of the necklace, that he had left the house in, within his left hand, which seemed a little red. What had happened to him at school? He gave her an eye roll before repeating himself, “Quite a light day today, all I got was my necklace pulled off and broken. Oh, and they might have pushed me into a wall.”

 

“You’ve got to tell someone about this bullying, Em.”

 

“Don’t call me Em.” The pair only stared down at the coffees that Lovisa had made them both, an awkward silence greeted them once again, these moments happened way too much recently. Lifting her eyes to dart around the air, the eldest tried to focus on any useful advice she could give to the young boy, but it was too hard, she was just too distant from everyone and everything recently.

 

Unfortunately, she hadn’t discussed this with anyone, she didn’t deem it necessary. It simply wasn’t important enough and she didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, Emil included. Luckily, he wasn’t the type to blow out in a rage, he rather just pressed his feelings down and let them all lose on a pillow, he was very good at holding his anger- other emotions, however, not so much.

 

Taking another sip, Lovisa let the coffee scent and flavour fill up her senses, getting lost in the drink, and letting her thoughts wander with no control. Again, another thing that happened a little too much lately, especially seeing as though these thoughts were far from good ones.

 

_“So, what? You just let Berwald speak to you like that?” Mathias’ roaring voice stabbed through her brain, what had even happened that caused such a jealous outbreak?_

 

_“Berwald’s my friend, he would never attempt to flirt with me.” She responded, trying to remain her calm and patient tone of voice, yelling back at the Dane was never a good idea, as it only angered him further, and he was already getting mad more often than he probably should have. That being said, it was mainly her fault, he told her it was her fault._

 

_“You don’t try to stop him. Look at you, you’re probably dreaming about him right now. How good his touches would feel, the delight of his kisses against your skin.”_

 

_“Stop.” He didn’t. Instead he grabbed her hair, shoving her head back, slamming his lips harshly against hers, forcing her against the wall. At this point, she was pretty clearly crying, trying hard to push his body away from her own._

 

_Her attempts failed, and he forced his way onto her even more, his hand roaming down around her body, grabbing hard on her hips, which he pulled to make contact with his down. Choking, she attempted to press her head against the wall, in order to remove her lips from her boyfriend’s, crying out the word no with almost every attempt she could. Maybe he would listen this time._

 

_“Well let me make one thing clear. You’re mine. Not Berwald’s, not anyone else’s. Mine. Got that?” Through more tears, she slowly muttered out a noise of agreement. Mathias didn’t waste the opportunity to take that out of context, twisting it so that these next events would be consensual. All the Norwegian could do at this point was allow this to happen._

 

There was a small ripple in her coffee, which was now placed on the table. Raising an eyebrow, she gave a brother a curiously look, he only huffed out in frustration and pointed to the clock, whilst she would usually tell him off, telling him not to point as it was rude, she had no motivation to even speak at the moment. Checking the time, she could see that it was almost 18:00, which meant it was almost time for her to open up the bar.

 

Just great, working was the last thing that Lovisa wanted to be doing right now, but how else was she to gain money to pay for her and Emil to live in their current apartment. Unwillingly, she grabbed her keys and a jacket, heading out of the door. Leaving without saying another word to her brother.

 

Lovisa hated working at the bar, it was where she had first met Mathias, where most of their arguments took place, too. It just seemed to be the center of too many bad memories she just could never erase no matter how hard she tried. Walking into the place in a good mood seemed impossible at the point, and yet, she was never sad there. Never sad. Never mad. Never scared. Never happy. Never disgusted. Never anything. She was never anything anymore. Maybe that was the worst part.

 

She was forever trapped in a state of derealisation, with no escape, and nothing else in view.

 

_In came Mathias in a jealous rage. Great, she really didn’t have the patience for this. What on Earth did she do wrong this time? It had to have been something, it was always something. Lord, please let the Dane just forget about it, just this once, that would be enough. But, the half-Norwegian, half-Icelander had clearly done something wrong, so she had to be punished._

 

_“You don’t have to entertain there if you don’t like it. Do you even realise what saying that’s done to my reputation? Even worse, you said that in front of Kaisa fucking Väinämöinen! Hell, the woman never shuts up!” So Mathias was given a hard time at work because of the double date the two had with Kaisa, his Finnish friend from work, and her boyfriend Berwald._

 

_She tried hard to hold her tongue, not let her emotions accidentally spill out everywhere, but some things were just a little too hard. Small tears were already beginning to create a puddle in her eyes. She had never meant to hurt her boyfriend, she only wanted to make his feelings more heard, because she apparently didn’t do that enough. Oh, how well that turned that._

 

_Disturbingly, she could almost feel his anger growing and growing with every second, almost see him clutching his fists together and hear him grinding his teeth. Unsurprisingly, she could not bear to actually turn around to see him, she’d much rather just pretend his presence wasn’t haunting the already freezing room. So she waited._

 

_She waited._

 

_And waited._

 

_Until he finally forced her around to face him. Waiting had only pushed him off the edge quicker. Slowly, he raised his right arm into the sky, Lovisa could only watch with horrified eyes, already knowing what was happening. Her breathing quickened, palms sweat and tears ran faster than ever before. She prayed and prayed that this was only a horrific nightmare._

 

**SMACK!**

 

_Full force, she found herself slapped out of his painful grip, falling to the floor. Crying louder than ever before, she had nothing more to do than cry and curl up into a ball._

 

_“Oh, that’s right, cry about it. You fucking baby! What’s crying going to do? Crying isn’t going to make what you did and said okay, is it?” He kicked her, pushing her closer together inside her small ball._

 

_Weeping._

 

_She was reduced down to nothing but weeps, and gasps of pain with every other smack, punch, hit and kick._

 

_Forcefully, Mathias pulled on her arm, making her stand up, he pulled her away into the backroom. Somewhere without any windows._

 

“Excuse me? I ordered a drink and you just completely ignored me!” She snapped back into reality, still not really feeling anything new about this place. She’d seen it too much to really think anything of it. Shaking her head, she finally noticed the person who made the seemingly rude remark.

 

Gilbert. One of Mathias’ best friends- or, he was before the car crash. Honestly, she didn’t mind Gilbert’s company whenever he was over with Mathias, he was fun and deep inside he was very caring. After not really seeing the German in a while, she mustered up the best pretend smile she could, but it was pretty hard to even do that these days.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry Gil. Guess I just got lost in thought.” He nodded in understanding, but it was clear he was confused as to what the Norwegian was thinking about. He knew better than to ask.

 

Knowing his usual order, she fixed him up a large pint of beer, expecting him to instantly move into a booth, but he didn’t. Instead, he was very clearly wanting to begin a conversation, which she really didn’t mind, after all, she barely got anyone in on a Tuesday, so she needed someway to entertain herself in this miserable hell-hole.

 

Things didn’t go very smoothly the next day, either. Awoken from the horrific memories usually seems like a good thing, but to Lovisa she’d rather sleep through the abuse. At least then she’d really feel involved with something, rather than just feeling as though the world was a motion picture that was moving on from things too quickly, she couldn’t keep up with things anymore.

 

Emil wasn’t exactly the best morning person ever, either. Waking up the teenager was part of her routine now, which should’ve helped things, but it didn’t. Maybe she was just going to forever be watching from the sidelines emotionless, it was pretty obvious by now that these feelings weren’t going away anytime soon. Either way, she had already accepted the fact that she was needed alive in order for her brother to have a home.

 

Chopping up a banana, she multitasked dropping the raisins in her brothers breakfast- Wheetabix with chopped banana and raisins- a healthy option to keep up his strength and had a nice taste to it. Lovisa knew that Emil was suffering from bullying simply because he prefered to wear dresses, she had told his teacher about it too, they were trying their best to help him.

 

“Morning.” A small yawn could be heard, it came as a bit of a surprised, and as a result she accidentally cut her finger with the knife. Shrugging, she ran it under cold water, using her free hand to put the banana pieces into the bowl and handing it to her little brother.

 

“Good night's sleep?” She asked, sitting down with him at the table, still not really feeling too involved in this conversation.

 

“Good enough.” Was the reply she received. The speaker threw his bag over his shoulder and headed out of the door without a goodbye, most of their conversations ended up like this these days, it was a shame considering how great a relationship they had once had. But that was before the death of their parents, that was before they ended up in a terrible state. That was before Mathias.

 

_Awaking, the younger of the pair gave out a little huff. Turning to face her partner, who was apparently still asleep. What had happened last night? Lovisa could hardly remember, but that didn’t matter, at least she was safe. Was she safe?_

 

_Rubbing her eyes, she shook her head and threw her legs off the other side on the bed, removing the duvet from her body too. Shaking her head, she prepared to get up and face the day, only to have her wrist lightly grabbed by Mathias, “Stay.” He hummed._

 

_“I can’t, I have to wake up Emil.” She had tried to explain, but his hand didn’t move an inch. He shook his head, refusing to let go of her._

 

_“He can wake himself up.” His grip tightened, he was not going to let her go without a fight, it was almost like Lovisa needed his approval for just about anything these days. Sometimes his approval was too much to ask for as well._

 

_However, she was never one to step down from a challenge, and this was only something small, he would never hurt her for this. He had morals, he just wasn’t the best at expressing them, and besides, he had told her many times she deserved what he did, he was probably right. “I really need to get up.”_

 

_“I don’t want you to get up.”_

 

_“Mathias…”_

 

_“_ **_I said no!_ ** _” Nodding timidly, the Norwegian did as told, facing the wall. Feeling as he cuddled close to her, she shivered slightly, but thankfully not enough for Mathias to feel it. Curiously, she checked the arm that he had grabbed._

 

_Bruised._

 

She slammed her head down, using her arms as the pillow for the table. How had she become like this? Completely void of feeling emotion, feeling trapped in the audience of a play, unable to speak in case it distracted the actors. Actors, if everyone was an actor, what did that mean for her? If she wasn’t always just an audience member, did that result in her death?

 

Procrastinating, she found herself questioning whether she was truly alive at all? If there was a heartbeat, but no feeling, does that really count as being alive? It seemed the more she pondered, the more she found herself falling deeper into this black hole of derealisation.

 

Maybe Lovisa just wasn’t meant to be alive, maybe she was all just one big mistake, thrown in to be a toy for whomever was pleased. After all, she could never get anything right anyway, would it really be all that out there to assume?

 

Assumptions, among further inspection, she found signs pointing away from her initial thought. What about Emil? If Lovisa was all just one big mistake, who would take care of the young boy? What about Mathias? Didn’t he always say he was at his happiest when with her? Yes, she made mistakes when with the Dane, and, as a result, was punished for those, but he really did love her. He _did_ love her, didn’t he?

 

There she went, slipping back into her thoughts. There was no escaping these thoughts anymore, all of her true life and bursts of enthusiasm was all sucked and drained out, and then thrown so far out of reach. Maybe this was her end-goal all along, and she had reached it early, all because of the damn car that had crashed into her boyfriend.

 

Why did it matter anymore? It shouldn’t, it really shouldn’t. Mathias was dead, did it really matter how anymore? Yes, it did, it meant a damn lot too! It was the reason her mind just couldn’t rest, how on earth did it actually happen, was the crash an accident? Or was it done intentionally by someone within one of the cars?

 

Shaking her head, she stood from her seat to receive the post, there could’ve been something new, something that wasn’t just a damn leaflet that neither she or Emil would ever actually use.

 

There was. Rather unfortunately, it was just the bills for the house. Lovisa simply hadn’t enough money, things were just too expensive now. Yes, she worked, but ever since Mathias’ death there were definitely not enough customers in, she was almost sure that most of them only came in for the fun comedy and trivia nights the Dane would do on Sundays. A sad fact she had come to terms with.

 

There was a way to save up money, but it wasn’t really fair at all. How on Earth could she ever tell Emil, she was going to have to, but it would just simply crush him. Why did life have to be so unfair? Hurting her brother was never something she would want to do, and yet, she was left no choice.

 

_He wouldn’t budge. Curse his strength. Why wasn’t he moving? He had to move, she had said no, he simply had no choice but to move, but saying no had never stopped him before. No, that was different, on all those occurrences she had done something wrong and thus Mathias wanted her to make it up to him. Now though? Now she had not done anything, now it was different._

 

_Slowly, he began by undoing her shirt, then he moved on to removing her skirt and tights. Struggling, she tried once again to push him off of her, but yet again, he wasn’t moving. The next thing to go was her underwear. Naked, he had completely removed her clothing without her consent, things were going way too fast! This was monstrous,_ he _was monstrous._

 

_“If you would just stop struggling this wouldn’t be so bad!” He shouted, grabbing her hair and pushing her lips to his bare chest, she knew what this meant. That didn’t mean she had to go along with it, however, did it?_

 

_It did._

 

_The next thing to happen was him sucking her neck whilst she unwillingly worked on his chest. Scared, she shook her head with almost everything she did, this joke wasn’t funny anymore._

 

_“Just fucking stop!” Screaming, the dane slapped his girlfriend across the face with quite a lot of power. He had the power, and what he was doing with it was clearly not what she agreed with. Weren’t relationships meant to go both ways, though? That what she was told, and yet theirs seemed different. There was definitely enough love going on both sides, so why did she feel hers stood out to others?_

 

_A few more thrusts, a few more hits, that was how the two’s evening when that night, much to the woman’s disapproval._

 

“We just don’t have enough money anymore.” Emil was now back from school, and already the two were having to discuss money problems. She could see how he really didn’t like where this was going, but he really wasn’t an idiot, he knew where his sister was going with this. That didn’t mean he couldn’t hope he was wrong, however.

 

“Where is this headed?” Cautiously, the young one asked. Unfortunately, he was right to be cautious, because not only was one thing he loved going to have to be taken from him, he’d be losing two things.

 

“We’re gonna have to end these music lessons, we simply can’t afford them anymore.” Eyes fillings with tears, that’s what made her have to look away from him. He was so young, he really didn’t deserve to have to have to deal with this, having his passions taking him away simply because his terrible sister couldn’t run a sustainable pub. Life was just so unfair to the innocent, and instead of trying to make things right, it laughed further and further in their faces. If Lovisa could, she would give Emil everything he deserved, music lessons, the chance to be himself without being made fun of, a father figure.

 

Did the young boy see Mathias as a father figure? She knew that the two of them actually got along pretty well, despite how sometimes she would hear the Danish tell her younger brother off for being ‘too feminine’, they never really had an argument. Which was more than she could say for her past relationship with the late blond. She hoped that the two of them liked each other, but she knew better than to ask her brother about his opinions of who she dated, sometimes he didn’t realise how beneficial it would be for the both of them, not just her.

 

How could she ever think of anything more to say to him after that reaction? He was, unsurprisingly, distraught, music was one of his favourite things, so taking it away was extremely hard on him. Saying something else at this point just seemed a little rude, he needed time to take in what was happening, process everything in his mind and figure things out fully. Now he didn’t have music lessons, he would need something to do in his free time, what instrument was Emil learning again? Violin, was it?

 

Without another word, he was quick up the stairs and into his bedroom, presumably to try and clear his head, deal with this new information.  She shook her head once again, should she go and comfort him? Definitely, she just silently wished he’d accept Lovisa as a shoulder once again, someone he could seek comfort in, someone he could trust with anything. He could, however, see her as distant, and refuse to let her help. Truthfully, she was fully aware that she wasn’t the greatest with advice- Mathias had told her that enough.

 

_The cold water ran down her spine and she shivered at the touch, feeling as if every splash of water was a sensation, washing away all the dirt that had been left by Mathias and the previous night. It was so relieving. Yet, oh so slowly, it was beginning to work a lot less, and all the filth was all coming back to her, as if the shower was working in inverse. Everything was slowly coming back to her and she could not cope, this shower was supposed to help her, and yet, it wasn’t._

 

_Her hands ran through her light hair as she decided that she would just wait longer, it would have to work eventually- it just had to! Shutting her eyes, she tried to picture it, all the unseeable mess on her skin rolling nicely off of her skin whilst the water run, maybe imagining it would help it happen quicker. Yeah. Surely, it would. It had to._

 

_Slowly, it did begin to work, and suddenly she found herself cleaner than she ever thought she would feel. Finally, she was going to be how she was when she met her now boyfriend, clean, innocent and perfect. She could’ve leapt with joy and excitement, knocked over her boyfriend and kiss him deeply, engulf her brother in the biggest hug he had ever received. Over the mood couldn’t begin to describe how she was feeling._

 

As a detour, she ended up walking into the bathroom, the same room she had taken the miraculous shower in all those months ago. How things could change within a month, it was unreal. Unfortunately, her eyes landed on the mirror.

 

Who was she? She looked so different, so odd, so _foreign_. Nothing about this image she saw of herself felt right, it was bizarre. This couldn’t have been her who was looking at. Lifting a hand to her face, she did, in fact, confirm this was her body, even if there was something so painfully off with the blonde hair, blue eyes and fair skin. She didn’t really care, she felt far too indifferent to, at that very moment. Why should she care if it probably didn’t even mean anything?

 

Lovisa removed herself from the room that held the confusion and knocked lightly on the door to it’s right hand side. Repeating the action twice before peeping her head through a little. There he was, facing the wall, sat on this bed, crying. Every sniff was like a knife was stabbing through her heart, she hated- no, she _despised_ \- seeing him cry like this. Out of curiousity, his head turned around and there were his tears, which hurt more than knives ever could.

 

“Do you want to talk? I know I’m not exactly great with advice, but talking could be really beneficial.” A nod was delivered.

 

“I just, I wish that things didn’t have to be this way! I wish we weren’t living on such a tight budget, I wish this bullying at school would stop, I wish I could spend more time with you, I wish you didn’t have to work all night, I wish Mathias hadn’t died, I wish mum and dad were still here, I wish I could continue the violin, I wish everything was how it once was!” He unloaded, and the Norwegian woman could almost sense the weight being lifted off his shoulders, it made her feel a little better too.

 

However, when she opened to her mouth to help him, he continued what he was saying, “But what’s really bothering me is what you’re hiding from me.”

 

“Pardon?” She blinked multiple times, she was definitely not expecting this.

 

“I’m not an idiot, Lovisa, you’ve been acting so different. You never react to anything, never smile, never cry, you used to be such a sensitive and emotional person, more so than me, perhaps, what’s happened. Please tell me.” That was her cue. Her cue to tell Emil everything; the rape, the abuse, the flashbacks, the lack of feeling.

 

So, that’s what she did.

 

Without another word from her brother, she let loose and tore down all the barriers she had up, tearing her heart and soul into every description she made. In surprise, she saw her brother’s eyes widen in shock, terror and empathy, it wasn’t a shock to anyone that as soon as she was finished, he pulled her into a tight hug.

 

Emil just had that something. Something that made her feel like she was herself again, just for a second, but at least it told her that she wasn’t a completely lost cause. He was always special to her, he always meant the entire world to Lovisa, obviously, he was her brother, but perhaps there was something deeper than that, most siblings are supposed to dislike each other, spit each others names out in vain, they didn’t. Lovisa saw her brother as more a best friend than a worst enemy, it was so nice to know he was here for her. This talking thing felt good, maybe she should do it more often.

 

And then, for the first time in what felt like centuries, Lovisa smiled.


End file.
